How to be released from the strong grip of mom guilt?
Mom guilt is a common and often overwhelming experience that mamas like you and I face. It's the feeling of inadequacy and guilt that comes from thinking you're not doing enough for your child or that you're not a good enough mother. It’s something that can be triggered by many things, from missing a school event to using screen time to distract your child while you do something for yourself. Or heck, even the act of doing something for yourself can set you down the spiral of mom guilt.
Half the time the reason we experience mom guilt is completely illogical and it’s hard to see that during a guilt trip episode. Whatever the reason, mom guilt can be a heavy burden to carry, but it's possible to release yourself from its grip. Here are some steps you can take to let go of mom guilt and cultivate a healthier, happier mindset.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step in releasing yourself from the grip of mom guilt is to acknowledge your feelings. It's normal to feel guilty or anxious about parenting decisions, but it's important not to let those feelings consume you. Feel the feels but don’t dwell on them is what I like to say. Instead, use your feelings as a cue to examine your beliefs and values around motherhood.
Also, it’s important to note that hiding or burying your feelings can be detrimental and make you feel worse. I always encourage anyone who’s feeling hard emotions to talk to someone or allow themselves to go through the emotions in order to rid that emotion out of the body!
Challenge Your Beliefs
Often, mom guilt is based on beliefs and expectations that are unrealistic or unhelpful. For a lot of us, we believe that we have to be a perfect mother, or that we have to sacrifice everything for our children. This isn’t true at all. While we do make sacrifices for our children, we don’t have to sacrifice it all. To release yourself from mom guilt, it's important to challenge these beliefs and replace them with more realistic and positive ones.
Another practice to challenge and destroy is the comparison trap. Every mom does things differently so to compare progress, child development, happiness, etc. to another mom is unfair and destruction to our own journeys. While you may struggle with not getting laundry done each week, a mom who has on a new outfit could be struggling with cooking meals for her family. So if you think about it, you’re often times comparing apples to oranges. So do yourself a favor and stop the madness.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is an important tool for releasing yourself from the grip of mom guilt. Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, just as you would treat a good friend. When you make a parenting mistake or feel guilty about a decision, try to respond to yourself with self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and that you're doing the best you can with the resources you have.
Focus on the Positive
Mom guilt often focuses on what you're doing wrong or what you could be doing better. To release yourself from mom guilt, try to focus on the positive aspects of your parenting. I’m not saying to ignore the things you can improve on (because let’s be real, we ALL have things we can be better at), but we need to constantly remind ourselves of the things we are doing right and then spend a little time working on the things we can improve on.
It’s perfectly fine to celebrate yourself. You’re a mom…and you need to let your roar out from time to time. Doing this will help you change your thought process when the negative feelings creep in.
Set Realistic Expectations
OMGosh, how many of us, moms, set these crazy expectations KNOWING they are a stretch and we try to do them anyways. You can do everything, just not at once. Set a goal and create mini tasks you can do each week to get you one step close to that goal!
Get a routine that works for your family the best and stick to it. Having a routine in your life not only creates structure and stability, but a sense of predictability which allows you to fit your tasks nicely into your day.
Pray and Practice Mindfulness
Praying to God, reading scripture, and meditation on what I’ve read has always helped me maneuver through my feelings during motherhood. It’s absolutely hard without God. So when I feel the huge amount of guilt happening to me, I usually say a quick prayer. And ya know what? It always works.
Also, being present in the moment helps me to not feel so guilty when I finally have a moment to myself to do what I want/need to do. When I am present during a play date with my children (whether it’s playing marble race with my oldest or kitchen with my middle child), I find that they enjoy our time together more if my face isn’t buried into a screen.
Connect with Other Mothers
Even if you’re an introverted mama, connecting with other moms can be extremely important. Joining a support group or connecting with other mothers online can provide a sense of community, validation, and support. It definitely can ease the thought that we’re crazy, going crazy, or just aren’t normal. To know that other mamas are thinking and experience the same or similar experiences can be a huge sigh of relief. Talking to other mothers who are going through similar experiences can also help to put things in perspective and release you from the grip of mom guilt.
Seek Professional Help
I am a big believer in support systems (thus the reason connecting with other mamas is so important). Mom guilt can really cripple some mamas and cause them to not enjoy their motherhood at all. So if you’re not able to function properly or enjoy your journey and nothing is relieving you from the burden of guilt, there could be other underlying issues that are making you feel this way.
If so, you may need more than just your typical support system. A therapist or counselor can help you work through your feelings and develop ways for coping with and overcoming mom guilt.
Every mom experiences mom guilt at one point or another during her journey; feel the feels and then move on. Remember that you are doing your best, and that is more than enough. Take care of yourself, prioritize self-care, set realistic expectations, practice mindfulness, challenge negative thoughts, seek support from other moms, and seek professional help if necessary. With time and effort, it is possible to release yourself from the grip of mom guilt and enjoy motherhood to its fullest.