Creating a mental health fend for yourself day without the guilt.
Can I be real for a second? Some days I just can’t get my life together no matter how hard I try. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to clean. I don’t even want to take care of my family. Gasp! What?
Have you ever had those days? It’s like you’re in a pool of water peddling but only going in circles. You just can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other without tripping over each foot. I know I can’t be alone in this feeling.
OK…major vulnerable moment ahead.
I remember I was voice messaging a very dear friend, crying about how guilty I felt because I was feeling this way. I mean, I didn’t have the energy or want to cook dinner for that day. I fully expected her to slap me back into reality and tell me to get my life together and cook. I thought she was going to show me, tough love. Instead, she virtually wiped my tears away with her gentle words reminding me of how wonderful she thought I was as a mother. Afterward, she snapped…” they can fend for themselves tonight…they won’t die”.
And you know what…I took her advice! I told hubby that I just needed a moment, and I couldn’t do dinner. His words were, “I got this”. And with that, I went upstairs and unleashed the remaining tears I was trying to hold in.
And that is how my fend for yourself days got started.
What do fend for yourself days include?
I know you’re probably thinking, what homemaker makes their family fend for themselves some days? An overstimulated, drained, and exhausted homemaker does. You may also be wondering what do those days include?
There’s no one size fits all, but here’s what mine entails:
• Family is responsible for getting their own meals for the day or a period of day
• Family (kids mainly) is responsible for their entertainment for the day
• Minimal interaction with me is to be expected.
This works for my family because my husband works from home and can be there if my kids absolutely need an adult. My son is old enough to fix meals for himself and his sister as well as find things to do for entertainment and educational purposes. I’ll share how I prep for these days and how often I have them.
What are the reasons to have a fend for yourself day?
Having a day to focus on one role is helpful, whether you take a day to focus solely on the house, homeschool, or business sometimes doing one thing at a time is freeing. Those days, I tell my family that it’s an FFY day. Even though it’s a fend for yourself day, when it’s a planned one, I’m still available for my family if they need me.
However, not every FFY day is planned. When I feel overwhelmed and stressed with emotions sometimes, I shut down and the day turns into me being a recluse and my family is left to themselves. These unplanned FFY days are usually when I am not available. This usually happens when I don’t refill my emotional bucket and I continue to pour into my family.
How often does the Fend for Yourself days happen?
These days shouldn’t happen every day. They are reserved for the absolutely days when you feel extremely overwhelmed or when you need to focus solely on one role. Hopefully, you won’t have many days like this because you’re taking care of your mental health and are planning your day accordingly.
I have blog posts that will help you manage your day and take care of yourself so you don’t have many unplanned FFY days. I find those type of FFY more unhealthy and leaves me feeling like a horrible homemaker in general.
So while you obviously don’t plan for the unplanned fend for yourself days, try to not have too many of them. But when they happen you need to be prepared.
Be Prepared for the fend for yourself days.
You need to be a bit prepared. While you aren’t cooking these days (unless you absolutely have to), you do need to make sure there are easy foods your family can create while you’re in check-out mode. For example, my son will make himself and his sister oatmeal for breakfast and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. If there are no easy meals to make, consider ordering out for that day or you may just need to take a moment and make something for your family before you fully checkout.
Only do tasks that you need to do during the mental health day.
When I evoke a Fend for yourself day, I only do the must-dos in all of my roles. If you find it hard to stick to a schedule, then maybe you need to create a fend for yourself day in your household. Identify the must-dos in your household for your roles. Everything can’t be a must-do.
Here are my must do’s:
• Making sure there’s food in the fridge so my son can fix breakfast and lunch for him and his sister
• Our pup, Zuri, is fed and walked
• And hubby has food to eat
Outside of that, nothing else gets done unless I deemed my blogging day is complete unless I have the energy to do more, or something or someone urgently needs my attention. If you have small children who aren’t able to really care for themselves or siblings, then you’ll need to establish independent playtime and/or quiet time so you can get the objective done for the one role you want to tackle.
This doesn’t mean my children are neglected. Having this type of day helps them learn to be a bit more independent and take care of themselves and each other. Isn’t this the ultimate goal anyway? Teaching them to be self-sufficient. Consider this practice for the real world. But also, there are several things for them to do like: reading books, playing with their toys, screen time…etc. While we do spend time together on an FFY day, it’s not as abundant as on other days.
In Conclusion
There’s nothing wrong with having days for your family to fend for themselves. Yes, we are homemakers and our primary role is taking care of the home and the people in it, however, we are real humans with real feelings and real struggles. You just need to make sure you've included your necessities, have easy meals ready for your family, and it’s also important that these days don’t come often.
It’s my sincere hope that you give yourself permission and flexibility to work these days in your calendar as needed, and if you happen to have an unplanned fend for yourself mental health day, you don’t feel guilty.
Like my friend told me, “they can fend for themselves..they won’t die”.